I began to unlock my abuse when I, simultaneously, began my journey of self-discovery. Being abused at such a young age, I locked the memories and emotions away to survive.  I have yet to find clarity about why. I have retained the knowledge that the abuse happened, along with some memories, but I believe that I locked away the severity and frequency to protect the little girl within me. There is so much research and many theories about this, but I don’t think it matters anymore.  What I do know is that being abused by my father had an immense impact on the person I was and the woman that I have become; more than anyone will ever know. He was someone who was supposed to guide and support me and act as the leader and head of my family. Not only was my childhood taken away from me, but my way of being as an adult evolved into a woman and mother whose role was greatly shaped by the victim of abuse I became. I now know the abuse as a child stifled my light, and I became a shy, insecure child who always wanted to please others. It changed who I am, and my mother added to this transformation by choosing not to protect me. 

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 It is difficult to determine what is worse, the abuse that my father bestowed upon me or the protection I was deprived of by my mother. Working on understanding and accepting her role in me hiding my authentic and true self has been a work in progress to say the least. As a child, I initially and intuitively trusted that my mother would be there to nurture and defend me. I did not have the words or the emotional ability to express that this abuse was wrong. It was not until I was an adult and had made the decision to find myself that I was able to begin to interpret and understand her perspective. I was initially confused, and then deeply hurt as I started the process of unblocking and working through all aspects of working through this chaos.  I did not understand why she would turn her back on me.  This piece of the puzzle is the most difficult to solve because, as any victim of abuse will tell you, the why is much more difficult to gain clarity about than the actual act. At some point, I just stopped trying to understand these parts, and decided to love and protect myself; I knew I could count on me, and I had to be enough so that I could continue existing in this world.